NBA FINALS EDITION by Nick Cammilleri
 

The more I watched this 2010 Celtics playoff team, the more I realized, “Jeez, theyʼre like straight out of a zombie movie.” So, you know where this is going.

The Boston Celtics started out 20-4, and ended the season 27-27. They were considered dead. The number-four seed in a crappy conference -- a marginal team floating like driftwood into the playoffs. One marred with injuries, curious subplots, bad coaching, castoff players, and not a chance in hell to advance past Wade, LeBron, Howard, or Kobe. In short, we sucked. But then something happened: Boston flew under the radar to the point of hinderance... slowly building momentum as they advanced through the playoffs, like zombies from the grave. Suddenly, their defense was back! Offense was back! The Big Three...back! Now the Big Four! The Big Fifteen! All of a sudden, it became...

Miami. Gone.

Cleveland. Gone.

Orlando. Gone. ...

Los Angeles? Well, I hate to put the words, “Celtics” and “Never lost a Finals series when leading 3-2” in the same sentence...but hell yeah, buddy.

Now comes the real test -- facing the Lakers again in the NBA Finals. Why? Because Los Angeles got circumcised in the 2008 NBA Finals. Blown out by thirty-nine points in the clincher? Losing a twenty-four point lead in Game 4? Thatʼs like getting your pants pulled down by a girl, in front of girls, at a girlʼs camp run by girls. Itʼs the kind of embarrassment you donʼt forget. This time, the Lakers are older, wiser, and much, much better. And by Lakers, I mean Kobe Bryant. Two years later, both sides have traded punches in a series that is far from what Bob Ryan referred to as “a six-game sweep.”

Ray Allen rained threes in Game 2, Fisher flopped around like a trout every game, Pierce put on a show in Game 5, and Gasol continues to look like a foreigner denied at Ellis Island every time heʼs not fouled (Your countryʼs full???). This series has shifted back and forth, with tons of crooked officiating and neither team letting up. With the Celtics holding a 3-2 series edge, and the next two games in LA, I give you the top six reasons why Boston will close out the series.
“But, arenʼt they in any particular order?” “Yes, imaginary person, they are. Because this zombified Celtics team will win for the exact same reasons that zombies always win in horror movies.”
Without further ado...

REASON #1: They work smarter, not harder.
While youʼre busy running up flights of stairs from a hoard of zombies, theyʼre slowly taking the escalator to the roof. Theyʼll just meet you at the top to kill you. They donʼt waste anymore energy than they have to.

Thatʼs exactly how this Celtics team got here in the first place. Doc Rivers had a plan -- get the Celtics healthy at the cost of winning regular season games. Both Cleveland and Orlando had the best records in the 2010 regular season, and both were strangled by the hands of a stifling Boston defense come playoff time. Thatʼs right, a Boston team that finished the regular season 27-27 ousted the two best teams in the entire league. A Celtics team that is just two years removed from hanging banner seventeen in the rafters, is about to hang another one next to it.
In the Orlando series, the Celts just let Dwight Howard slam dunk every ball with all his might. Later on, when it came time for him to swing elbows and actually score, he had no lift. In the Cleveland series, LeBron ran up the floor, yelling and screaming, jumping and shooting, missing and whining. The Celtics werenʼt special -- they just passed the ball until somebody scored. Itʼs about conservation of energy.

In the Finals, the Celtics started the second half of Game 5 with a two point lead over Los Angeles. Thatʼs when Kobe went off. He immediately scored the first seven baskets for the Lakers -- the first twenty-three points of the half -- but somehow, the Celtics lead ballooned from two to thirteen points in that span. How? They made Kobe work. They knew Kobe was going to get his. They didnʼt double team him, a tactic that would have left a man open or created mismatches. Instead, they let Kobe do his job, and only his job. He completely ignored his teammates, took “control” and got thirty-eight points. All the while Kobeʼs chugging down the court, Bostonʼs winning the actual game.

REASON #2: They just keep coming after you.
You canʼt let up. Because that two-second “sigh of relief”, that quiet little respite where you think youʼve escaped from the pack... is about two seconds before you die ironically somehow.

About four minutes into the fourth quarter of Game 4, the Los Angeles Lakers appeared to have it won. Both teams were exhausted. Boston was showing its age (the average playerʼs age in Boston -- 29), “TA” Tony Allen was making Kobe a non-factor. Ray Allen was shooting 0-11 from the field. And wouldnʼt you know, right when the Lakers fans and players of the world slowed down to catch their breath, thinking the old, tired Celtics team was defeated, their bench players came charging in, pitchforks armed, ready for blood.
How many NBA benches do you know that can beat a starting rotation? One -- Boston. In eight minutes, they outscored the Lakersʼ entire starting rotation, 36-18, while tripling their second-chance points. Thatʼs like the Washington Generals beating the Harlem Globetrotters -- seemingly impossible, except in Boston where “stats are for losers.” The crack team of Tony Allen (who?), “Big Baby” Davis, ʻSheed, Nate-R, and Ray-Ray bombed the shed, shooting 63% from the field in the fourth, scoring thirty-six points, and making all eleven free throws.
You hearing footsteps yet? Yeah, thatʼs the Celtics. And thatʼs only their bench.

REASON #3: They work as a team.

One of them doesnʼt just ring the door bell. It takes dozens of them, working in concert,
to eviscerate the living.

This Celtics team is much the same way -- multiple threats on each end of the court, from the most unknown of defenders. Boston became the fourth team in twenty five years to win an NBA Finals game without a single player getting twenty points, and theyʼre the only team to go ___ straight games with a different leading scorer each game.

According to ESPN, Tony Allen (Tony Allen??) or “TA”, has caused Kobe to net a slim twenty points, on 26.6-percent shooting from the field, while Kobe has scored ninety- three points off 42.4-percent shooting from every other Boston player. I know what youʼre thinking, who the hell is Tony Allen? And to answer that question, I donʼt know. I like to think he just kind of showed up one day and tried on a jersey as a joke, and everyone laughed so much, they kept him. Regardless, the manʼs been a force, and he answered the call in Game 5 with two huge, game-saving blocks.
Since Nate Robinsonʼs launch into the Celtics rotation, heʼs averaged twelve points a game, giving Boston a much-needed spark plug. He just keeps hitting threes.

REASON #4: They get in your head.
Thereʼs something screwy about running from something undead that moves slower than a glacier, yet catches up to you every time. After a while, you just expect them around every corner, dark alley, closet, bread box -- even the backseat of your car. Itʼs plain old psychological warfare, and itʼs something this zombified Celtics team has down.

Most post players that face Pau Gasol arch down, to force the shooter into a long-range jump shot. I canʼt figure out if Rasheed Wallace is an idiot, or a ballsy motherf*****. He stands straight up, telling Gasol (“The Human Foul Call”) to put the ball on the floor, and when he does, ʻSheed has stuffed him every time. Gasol has shot 29%, averaging eleven points-per-game in situations where Wallace guards him. In five games now, Rasheed Wallace has blocked or tipped a half-dozen of Pau Gasolʼs shots. Early in Game 2, ʻSheed slapped away a Gasol lay-up near the basket. Two games later, Gasol missed a wide-open lay-up, because he was looking all around, expecting ʻSheed to be there. Howʼs that for looking in your backseat?

REASON #5: They know how to finish people off.

If the film Zombieland taught us anything, itʼs that you should ensure someoneʼs death
with the “double-tap” before turning your back, or youʼll just regret it.

--Before last week, the Lakers hadnʼt lost a home playoff game the entire postseason.

--Before Sunday, Phil Jackson hadnʼt lost a Game 5 in his career.

--Before Game 4 of the 2008 NBA Finals, the Lakers had never given up a twenty-four point, fourth-quarter lead.

Newsflash: not a lot has changed since 2008. Los Angeles couldnʼt put Boston away then, and they wonʼt do it now. The Big Three became the Big Four, and Kobeʼs remained Kobe, except more arrogant and pissed off at the world. The Celtics had the leagueʼs best road record this season, and now have two road games to close out the Lakers.

In the fourth quarter of game 5, Phil Jackson reminded his team, "This team (Celtics) has lost more games in the fourth quarter than anybody in the NBA," Jackson said, in comments that made the ABC broadcast. "They know how to lose in the fourth quarter, all right? They're just showing us that right now." But, according to ESPN, in 22 playoff games the Celtics have held a fourth-quarter lead, theyʼve won every single one. Thatʼs certainly a claim the Lakers canʼt make.

Now, if you even remotely think Kobe will run the table on the Celtics and win the remaining two games, Iʼd be inclined to agree with you, if it werenʼt for the most important reason of all.

REASON #6: Even Ving Rhames died at the end of Dawn of the Dead.
You canʼt outrun fate. And by fate, I mean zombies.

In this zombie analogy, Kobe Bryant is Ving Rhames, the rugged, black, veteran police officer from Zack Snyderʼs Dawn of the Dead who survives by taking zombie-style target practice, and shouting badass (!) dialogue for ninety minutes. At the end, he leaps onto the boat with the few survivors, cheering their survival, as they float away from the dock infested with foaming-at-the-mouth zombies. Breathing the aforementioned sigh of relief, he and the others arrive at a nearby island. Then they hear a single rustling. Then another. And another. And before you know it, zombies are rushing the boat, tearing Ving Rhames to pieces. Ving Rhames! Noooo!

Moral: You canʼt beat zombies. And thatʼs exactly what this Boston team is. The Boston Celtics are too deep, too experienced, and too hungry. They are, in fact, zombies.

I laughed when my dad bought Celts playoff tickets. Now, Iʼm leaving the TD Garden, laughing for a different reason. I watched a near-dead Celtics team resurrect itself for an amazing month of basketball, demolish LA, and bring itself one win away from owning two titles in three years. Thereʼs something to be said about dressing up as a leprechaun, surrounded by family, drunken strangers, South Boston accents, good vibes, and a man whom Iʼm convinced drank my beer while I was in the bathroom, that just makes you think, if it has to be this zombified fourth-seeded Celtics team that brings home greatness again, so be it. I wouldnʼt have it any other way than the way it needs to happen. This team may be playing like the undead, but you know what, even zombies deserve happy endings too.